Question 10
As I continue my spiritual work, both on the inner and outer levels, I have stumbled onto some troublesome areas of my childhood. I realize after 50 years that my father abused me. I am furious with him and can now recall quite a bit of detail going back to early childhood. I now have such a hard time feeling and expressing any love for him.. Is it natural to want to address this with him and will it do any good? How does one heal this issue in a spiritual way?
Answer
Your question is a complex one. I am not sure exactly how your father abused you, but I will assume it was both sexual and emotional abuse. The real key to healing these wounds from the past is to awaken into the present moment and to live more of your life in the present. The present moment is free of the past and so, as you awaken into Presence, the wounds and traumas of the past simply dissolve and disappear as if they had never occurred in the first place.
It is a two-step dance of awakening.
First learn the art of being fully present. Open up into that dimension of you which exists fully in this moment and no other. If you need guidance in this regard, then seek it out.
Once you know yourself at this higher level of consciousness, the work of healing and releasing the past can begin in earnest. From a place of Presence, you can allow the old wounds and traumas from your past to surface into the light of consciousness. This means that you allow all the feelings to surface and be experienced consciously, but within an energy of love and acceptance. You are not trying to get rid of the feelings. You are simply acknowledging that those feelings exist within you and you are allowing them expression.
In the example you have given, you would allow fury to surface and express itself fully within you. Fury simply wants to have its day. It exists within you and so it has a right to be here and express itself. I do not mean that you express it to your father, at least not in person. Go to your room. Close your eyes and imagine him sitting in front of you and let it rip. Do not hold back. You will know you are doing it perfectly if, after a while, you begin to laugh. You will see how outrageous anger and fury can be, if you do not repress them and you allow them to be expressed fully and responsibly.
To express the anger and fury would only be to get a part of the picture. Underneath anger is hurt, underneath hurt is need, underneath need is fear and underneath fear is love. It is like a pyramid of repressed feelings, which dissolves as you allow all these feelings to be expressed consciously. And it is love that is ultimately revealed. So do not be afraid of your feelings. They key is to express them fully, but responsibly and within an energy of unconditional love and acceptance.
We carry these old wounds within us because we repressed the feelings associated with these wounds when we were children. If they are repressed, they will affect you in a negative and limiting way. And so you must reverse the process of repression by allowing the feelings and memories to surface. At the same time, you remain fully present, witnessing the feelings as they arise within you.
I am not suggesting that you indulge in these feelings. They are from the past. They are simply memories stuck within you. They have no meaning other than that they are stuck within you and need to be brought to consciousness and released through the power of love and acceptance. For one who is truly on a path of awakening, there is no interest in the past other than to bring it to consciousness in a way that heals and releases it. In truth there is no life outside of this moment.
The fact that you were abused more than likely means that there is a soul lesson involved. Abuse or any other kind of suffering often provides an opportunity for deep healing at the soul level. You might need guidance to identify the soul lesson involved.
As for your current relationship with your father, there is no rule or law that you have to love your father or feel affection for him. There is no right or wrong in this regard. In the fullness of the present moment, he is not your father. He is simply another being who in the past acted abusively towards you. If you wish to confront him on this issue, then do so, I would pray for guidance. Will confronting him lead to healing and release? Will it open you into love. Will it empower you. Will it help him in any way?
Finally, I say to you that forgiveness has tremendous healing power, but you cannot artificially forgive. Forgiveness is a function of the heart and usually arises once we have experienced all the feelings of hurt, anger and rage. True forgiveness cannot arise when we are carrying these feelings unconsciously within us. Again, there is no law that says you have to forgive him, although it would be healing for your heart.
I hope my answer to your question is helpful. Please do not hesitate to contact me again if you are in need of further guidance.
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