Answer:

There are levels of Presence. It is as if Presence exists on a vertical axis. As you deepen into Presence, you can cross a point on this vertical axis where time disappears. Now you are in the Eternal realm. There is no time. You are completely absorbed into Oneness. You are completely absorbed into the moment of Now. All sense of separation has dissolved. It is a highly exalted state. 

At this deep level of Presence, thinking is impossible, because there is no past or future and thinking is always about the past or future. You cannot think about the present moment. Of course, revelations can arise out of the silence, but this is radically different from thinking. A sense of knowing arises out of the silence, but this is radically different from the understanding that occurs within the mind. To experience this level, even for a few moments, will transform every aspect of your life, including your sense of yourself. 

But you don’t have to be at this deep level of timeless Presence all the time. As you ascend on the vertical axis of Presence, you are still present, but not at a level where time disappears. Now you can use your mind to think, but your thinking is appropriate, intentional, and conscious. You can think, without becoming lost in thought and reabsorbed into the mind. Your thinking is intentional and conscious, and when you are done thinking, you naturally return to Presence. 

However, there is another kind of thinking that causes so much difficulty in our lives. These are the thoughts that continually arise within the mind, but you are not intending to think, nor are you are aware of those thoughts arising. Those endless thoughts keep dragging you into the mind, and into the past or future. They prevent you from settling into Presence. Eventually, you find yourself imprisoned within the mind, which is exactly what has happened to humanity. 

This is why it is so important to be present, for it is only from Presence that you can be a witness to those unintended and unconscious thoughts arising within the mind. It is only from Presence that you can become a master of your mind and ego. 

It would be very helpful for you to read my books, as I provide detailed guidance in the books as to how to overcome feelings of anger, resentment, blame, guilt and judgment. I also offer guidance on how to be more fully present, which is of fundamental importance in overcoming these feelings. I am happy to offer some guidance here, though.

Here are some suggestions.

Decide that you are no longer going to be judgmental. You will neither judge others nor allow yourself to be affected by the judgments of others. It is a decision you make and an intention you adhere to.

This does not mean that judgment will simply stop. Old habits die hard. Bring awareness to judgment every time it arises within you. Do not judge it or try to stop it. Do not be afraid to express the judgment, but be sure that you do not direct it onto anyone else. It is helpful to hear your own judgments expressed aloud. Express the judgment in a light-hearted way. Do not take it too seriously. If you do this, without believing in any of it, you will see the absurdity of it. You will probably begin to laugh. Once you have identified the judgment, simply let it go. The judgments are not true. All they do is keep you in separation.

It is sometimes helpful to exaggerate the judgment. Find creative ways to exaggerate the judgments within you. You will know you are on the right track if you start laughing. For example, you could walk around judging everything in the garden. Make this a daily meditation for a week. Once again, it is a light-hearted approach. Just because judgment keeps us in eternal separation (hell) does not mean we should take it too seriously.

Do not judge the judgment. That is like a double bind that locks you further into it. Do not take it too seriously. It is the nature of the ego to judge. It is up to you to see through it and to demonstrate to the ego that you are beyond judgment and will not even judge the judgment of the ego.

You cannot really transcend anything unless you have the dimension of Presence available to you. Choose to be present more often in your life. As you choose to be more present, you will open into that awakened dimension of you that exists in the realization of Oneness. At this awakened dimension, there is no judgment.

Answer: You ask, do we have a choice or is it destiny? In the context of awakening, both are true! It is your ultimate destiny to awaken fully into Oneness and the truth of life. But when that will occur depends upon the choices you make. Your choices can lead you into Oneness, or they can lead you further into separation and illusion. 

You might also ask “Who is choosing?” That depends. It can be your ego which chooses, which will keep you in the separation. Or it can be some deeper dimension of you, which at some very subtle level remembers the Oneness and longs for it. A choice made from this longing will lead you home.

When Advaita says that there is no choice, because there is no you, my question is “Who is saying that? Who is aware of that.” 

 Of course, when you are fully present, in any given moment, then your mind is silent. There are no thoughts. All spiritual concepts dissolve. There is no doer and there is no choice. But there is no Advaita. There is no Ramana. There is no opinion. There is no understanding. There is no agreement, or disagreement. There just is! 

Is this the ultimate state of awakening? If so, I would ask, “Who thinks so?” Is this the state you desire? If so, I would ask, “Who desires that?”

In true awakening, all spiritual opinions, concepts and understanding dissolve. Ultimately, we are left with that ancient expression, “Neither this nor that!” 

And beyond that, nothing!

From my perspective, there is only one goal and that is to free ourselves from the limited world of the mind and ego and awaken into the unlimited world of Now. It is only when we are truly present that we encounter the truth of life and the truth of God.

My approach to God is very simple. God exists as the silent Presence at the very heart of all things present. God exists at the very heart of silence within you and within each one of us. God is real. God is here now, but we are not. We are lost in the mind. We are lost in the past and future. We are lost in thought. We are lost in belief, including our belief in God.  We are lost in seeking, including our seeking God.

If we want to experience the living Presence of God in all things present, then we will have to come to where God is. We will have to find our way out of the past and future world of the mind and become fully present. When we are truly present, we begin to experience God in everything. We experience Oneness with everything. At this level we are opening into God consciousness. But we cannot think about it. We cannot define it. We cannot understand it. All we can do is relax into it and enjoy it.

To adhere to any ideology is inconsistent with being present. The best approach is to be present and sensitive to what you really want to eat. What does your body want. The more present you are and the more sensitive, the less you will want to eat meat. On the other hand, we are all constituted differently, and it can vary with each person. To be a vegetarian might naturally arise within you. Go with that. If at a later stage, you feel to eat meat, go with that. In Presence there is no right or wrong. But there is heightened consciousness and sensitivity to what feels appropriate for you. And there is a deepening into love for all creatures, which might lead you to become a vegetarian, but not as a concept or an ideal, but rather a true and natural response arising within you.

First, you will have to free yourself from your own past. The best and most effective way to free yourself from an excessively negative and critical upbringing is to bring the painful past buried within you to consciousness. You will have to experience all the feelings of fear, need, hurt and anger repressed within you from the past, and you must do so with love, acceptance, and compassion. This becomes much easier as you become present, because you know that the feelings are surfacing from the past and have nothing to do with you in the present. In fact, the negative and critical upbringing that you speak of did not happen to you. It happened to the child you once were, and from the that child’s perspective it is still happening. In the present moment, nothing is happening to you. The pain from the past belongs to the child you once were. It is the foundation of your dream. In fact, it is not even your dream. It is the child’s dream and you have been living in the child’s dream all these years. You will have to come out of the child’s dream, which means that you will have to become present. When you are present, you can bring to that inner child the one thing it has aways needed but could not find. You can bring the energy of Presence to the child. And with the energy of Presence comes the energy of unconditional love and acceptance. This is how you heal the inner child. 

A flower can teach you about Presence in so many ways. The flower makes no effort to be present. It’s not concerned about the past and future. It is not looking for enlightenment. It is just here. Every flower can bring to you an incredible gift. It’s the gift of invitation. The flower is inviting you to be present. Each one is saying, “I am here. Will you be here with me?”

If you respond to the invitation, you will come out of the dream. You will come out of the past and future. You will be present. So, thank the flower for the beautiful gift it brings to you.  However, when you are present you bring an equally beautiful gift to the flower, which is the gift of Presence. At the deeper levels of Presence, you will begin to feel One with the flower. You might even begin to feel the Presence of God emanating from the flower.  

Psychedelics can be useful in initiating your awakening, or expanding your consciousness in the early stages of awakening. Some shamanic traditions favor the use of psychedelics to explore enlightenment.  

One of the problems with psychedelics is that they can become associated with the enlightenment experience, which leads to a kind of dependency. You can also become addicted to the highs and you might be unwilling to accept Presence in those more ordinary moments. Ultimately, enlightenment is not about extraordinary experiences. It is simply about being liberated from the story that is playing out within your mind. The story is based in the past and future, which gives you the illusion of life outside this moment. Enlightenment is about awakening fully into the truth of life, revealed through the present moment. Experiences come and go, including enlightenment experiences. The real question is who is experiencing?  

First of all, you cannot stop thoughts. The very effort to stop thoughts will strengthen your thoughts. But there is a hidden key that I share, which will bring you instantly out of the mind into the world of NOW. Thoughts will stop without any effort or intention on your part to stop them.

Here is the key. Gently remember to bring yourself present with something that is already in the present moment with you.  If you can see it, hear it, feel it, taste it or smell it, you can be present with it. The moment you are present with something that is actually here in the moment with you, you will come out of the mind because the mind is of the past and future and now you are present.

Close your eyes. Your body is breathing in the moment of NOW. Bring yourself fully present with the body as it breathes. Bring yourself fully present with the sounds you hear in this moment. Bring yourself present with the feeling of air upon your face. You might feel it as a slight warmth or coolness. Just be present with whatever comes into your awareness. Even if it is pain or discomfort in your body, be present with it and you will deepen into Presence.

When you open your eyes, a whole new dimension is available. Bring yourself fully present with something that you can see in this moment. It does not matter what it is. It could be a flower or a tree or it could be a box of tissues. As you become more present with it, you will begin to sense its Presence.

When you bring yourself present in this way, you are liberated from the world of the mind and ego. You are liberated from the traumas of the past and anxiety about the future. You are liberated from all those limiting beliefs about yourself, others and life that you have accumulated from childhood. Thoughts stop. You are experiencing the truth and reality of life in this moment. You are awake in the moment of NOW.

You do not have to be present all the time, but you must be present enough so that the dimension of Presence awakens within you. By choosing to be present, you are honoring the present moment as the truth of life, and so the present moment will respond to you and reveal its hidden secrets and its true nature.

The more you choose to be present, the easier it is to be present. If thoughts arise, just notice that you are thinking and very gently disengage from the thought and bring yourself present again.

There are so many ways to be present and so much to be present with. As you have a shower, be present with the warmth of the water and the fragrance of the soap. As you eat your breakfast, be present with the taste and smell of the food. Be present as you raise the fork to your mouth. Be present as you chew your food.

Be present as you wash the dishes. If you are truly present as you wash the dishes, it will be a sacred and loving experience. Be present as you walk in the garden. Be present with what you see and hear, moment to moment. Be present with your body breathing.

Be present whenever it is easy to be present. Be present whenever there is no need to think. The more you remember to be present the more that dimension of Presence will awaken within you.

Of course, there are many times during the day when thinking is appropriate, particularly within the context of work or when you have to plan for something in your future. At such times, do not be concerned with being present. Think when you need to think, but be sure to return to Presence when you no longer need to think. And do not go so far into the world of thought that you get lost there.

Eventually, you will become so grounded in Presence that it is very easy to remain present. Then you can flow easily between the silence of the present moment and the world of your mind where thought is possible and often appropriate. This flow becomes effortless, and you spontaneously return to Presence as soon as the thinking process is completed.

Thank you for your question. The experiences you describe are awakening experiences. They are peak experiences. You awakened into the truth of life and the truth of who you are. It is an enlightened or awakened state of consciousness. It is a blessing beyond imagining. It is what is revealed at the deepest levels of Presence when your mind is silent, and you are fully present and available to what is here now. It is transcendent of your mind and ego. It is transcendent of time. And it is natural that joy would arise out of the silence. But the moment you ask how to be in this state always, you are taking yourself into the future. You are bringing the mind and ego back into play, which will disconnect you from the very experience you are trying to hold onto. From the perspective of one who is awake, there is no such thing as always. There is only now. To remain fully present and awake, we have to release our involvement in the past, including holding on to peak experiences so that we can remain available to what is happening now.

I usually tell those who have had experiences similar to yours to regard it is a blessing worthy of the deepest gratitude. It is as if God had said to you, “I am going to give you a taste of the truth of life. I am going to give you a taste of the truth of who you are. I am going to give you a taste of the Eternal. It will last several hours, and then it will go away, because I then want you to do the work. I want you to bring consciousness to all the ways you are pulled out of Presence. I want you to discover how to function in the world of time, and yet remain fundamentally present. I want you to become a Master of your mind and ego. Otherwise, you are not truly free.”

Being present is always instant. Arising in Mastery of your mind and ego is a process that occurs over time. I reveal how this is accomplished in my book, Journey into Now. It involves coming into right relationship with every aspect of yourself, including your ego. It involves transcending judgment. It involves releasing emotions repressed within you from the past. It involves bringing the human dimension of you that participates in the world of time into alignment with the Godly or Eternal dimension of you, which is your true nature. I describe it in my book as a two-step dance of awakening.

To be present in daily life is as simple as being present with whatever is before you, moment to moment. It does not matter what you are present with. Just notice when you are day-dreaming or drifting off into thought and then come back to the present moment. Bring yourself very present with something that is here in the moment with you. If you can see it, hear it, feel it, taste it, touch it or smell it, in this moment, then you can be present with it. And the moment you are truly present with something that is here in the moment with you, thoughts will stop. You will emerge out of the past and future world of the mind. You will awaken into the truth of life, revealed through the present moment. As you deepen into Presence, you will begin to feel the Oneness.

There are so many ways to be present and so much to be present with. As you have a shower, be present with the warmth of the water and the fragrance of the soap. As you eat your breakfast, be present with the taste and smell of the food. Be present as you raise the fork to your mouth. Be present as you chew your food.

Be present as you wash the dishes. If you are truly present as you wash the dishes, it will be a sacred and loving experience. Be present as you walk in the garden. Be present with what you see and hear, moment to moment. Be present with your body breathing.

Be present whenever it is easy to be present. Be present whenever there is no need to think. The more you remember to be present the more that dimension of Presence will awaken within you.

Of course, there are many times during the day when thinking is appropriate, particularly within the context of work or when you have to plan for something in your future. At such times, do not be concerned with being present. Think when you need to think, but be sure to return to Presence when you no longer need to think. And do not go so far into the world of thought that you get lost there.

Eventually, you will become so grounded in Presence that it is very easy to remain present. Then you can flow easily between the silence of the present moment and the world of your mind where thought is possible and often appropriate. This flow becomes effortless, and you spontaneously return to Presence as soon as the thinking process is completed.

From my perspective, belief in God is the obstacle to knowing God. Belief is a function of the mind and we can only know God through direct experience. Belief is what we resort to when we do not know God through our own direct experience.

So how does one have a direct experience of God?

God is here now, but we are not! Mostly we are lost in the world of the human thinking mind. It is a world of the remembered past and the imagined future. It is a world of thought, memory, imagination, concept, opinion, idea and belief. When we are in the world of the thing mind, the one place we are not is in the world of the present moment.

God is present. God exists as the silent presence at the very heart of all things present. The present moment and all that is in the present moment is God revealed.

If we are to know God, we must bring ourselves to where God is. In other words if we are to know God, we must bring ourselves fully present. At first, the experience of being present may seem ordinary. But as you remain present, and deepen into presence, the hidden treasure is revealed. Slowly and gradually, you will encounter the living Presence of God in all things present.

The more you choose to be present, the more you will become grounded in that dimension of you which exists in this moment and no other. I am not saying that you cannot continue to function with the mind and the world of time. Of course you can. You do not have to be fully present all the time. What is most important is that you honor the present moment as the truth of life, and recognize everything else as an illusion. Sometimes it is a happy illusion. At other times, it is an unhappy and painful illusion. The unhappy times bring us the opportunity and incentive to awaken, for who will choose to awaken out of a happy dream? Very few!

The direct experience of God is essentially an experience in Silence and oneness with all things present. Everything that you can see, hear, taste and touch is the body of God and so why would you not choose to be fully present with it?

To awaken means to free your self from the limited world of the mind and become fully present.

How to accomplish this is beyond the scope of this answer. I suggest that you read my three books and if you have further questions, I would be happy to answer them. A telephone session is also very helpful in bringing it all together and entering into the fully awakened state.

Does God speaks to us individually? The answer is that if we are fully present we enter into direct relationship with God and so we can speak to God and God can speak to us.

God exists at the very heart of silence within us. If you are fully present and silent, you open the door to God. In conversing with God, speak from silence into silence. And make sure that any response arises from silence and not from some part of your thinking mind. God's responses can come in the form of words, or a visual image or a feeling of peace and love. God's response can also be one of total silence. You will have to surrender all expectations when speaking to God, for those expectations will hold you in the mind and keep you separate from God.

Finally, how God responds to you will depend largely on what you bring to God. My experience is that the more you bring love and gratitude and silent Presence to God, the more God will respond to you.

It is important to know that God is not separate from you and that the deepest level of Oneness is realized in perfect loving silence. Not one word need be spoken.

In some ways, it would be better for you if I stop at this point and let you meditate on this and come to your own answer.

But I will proceed.

The goal of the spiritual path is simple. It is to awaken out of the illusory world of the thinking human mind into the truth and reality of life lived in the present moment. The world of the mind is a world of the remembered past and imagined future. It is a world of illusion and yet almost every one on this planet believes this illusory world to be the truth of life. The simple truth is that there is no life outside of the present moment. It is impossible to live life outside of the present moment. We must come to terms with this simple truth.

I do not mean to imply that life at the level of mind should cease. That is not possible, nor desirable. What is possible however is that we become so awake and deeply grounded in the present moment and the awakened state of Being that we never lose our connection with the truth of life, even when we do venture into the world of the mind. In other words, we no longer believe in our thoughts, memories, ideas, beliefs and opinions as the truth. We know that only this moment is the truth and everything else is a kind of play within time.

The world of the mind has developed its own version of God. It is the ego and it is deeply committed to being in control of your life. Initially its motivation was to protect you in this world of painful illusion. But eventually, that changed into a deep commitment to protect its self, and to ensure the continuance of its dominant role in your life. The ego likes sitting on the throne of God and will not vacate the throne easily.

The ego wants to elevate itself in any way it can. It will happily set off on the spiritual path because it enjoys the feeling that is becoming more spiritual. It loves spiritual knowledge and power. It will continue on the path as long as it continues to accumulate more spiritual knowledge or power. In other words, the ego is becoming spiritualized, which is most unhelpful for one who is truly committed to full awakening.

If you happen to get too close to the truth or to a true teacher, the ego will have you out of there as soon as possible. It will have you reading other books and visiting other teachers. In other words, the ego needs you to remain the seeker. It does not want you to arrive at the goal.

And once again, what is the goal?

The goal is to be still and silent. To be awake in the present moment and know yourself as the One who is fully present. It is known in Silence. It is known as Silence. There is nothing left of you from the past or future. There are no thoughts. Just a silent Presence in a breathing body, which is fully present with that which is present.

Know this state of Presence just for a few moments and you are free. There is no more seeking. As you become more grounded and settled into the present moment, your whole life will begin to change. The Eternal dimension of existence will begin to reveal itself through the doorway of the present moment.

I speak in some detail about how to become present and remain present in the three books that I have written. I cannot repeat it here, but I do suggest that you will find them easy to read and most enlightening.

Now, to that part of your question about the true path.

Beware of paths that fill you with too much spiritual knowledge. You are just feeding your ego. Beware of teachers who elevate themselves above you. Look to their actions and their presentation and not just what they say. Some teachers say that they want no followers and yet, they are surrounded by followers.

Beware of too many practices. No practice will deliver you. Being present is immediate. It is now. Just remember to be present with that which is present and you are free, at least, in that moment. Each moment that you are fully present, you are awake. You are enlightened. Each moment that you are not present, you are not awake. It is that simple.

The Advaita Vedanta tradition is simple and very valuable. Through a process of self enquiry, you can liberate yourself from the illusory world of the mind and ego, into a state of pure consciousness. This state of pure consciousness is the "I am" Presence that I speak of in my books. It is an experience of no-thingness. It is the essence and source of all existence. It is a teaching based in non duality.

To awaken into pure consciousness is to attain liberation, but I have noticed with some of the followers of the Vedanta tradition who have attended my workshops, that there is sometimes a misunderstanding about the true nature of existence. There is a tendency to dismiss manifested form as illusory in nature. That is unhelpful, for what is the point of living in a world of illusion. We might as well leave.

God is both everything and nothing. Everything in physical form is the Body of God. It is God as everything. When I am at the deepest level of Presence, I am in Nothing-ness. I am nothing-ness. Nothingness is another word for full and silent Presence. It is another word for the "I AM" Presence of God. It is pure consciousness without form and without content.

The perfect balance between God as everything and God as nothing is expressed in a line from my third book, Bridging Heaven & Earth which simply states …. "When I am in nothing, God is in everything."

We have to be careful not to make "nothingness" yet another concept which the ego seizes hold of. It is a great way to make sure you never awaken. We are here to wake up into full Presence and behold the beauty of God's creation. Who are we to dismiss the Body of God as an illusion?

The illusion that we need to awaken from is the world of the thinking mind, which includes all our spiritual knowledge and concepts.

Even the spiritual path will ultimately prove to be an illusion.

Finally, you ask how can you focus on what is True. Just focus on what is here now. If you can see it, hear it, feel it, taste it or smell it, you can focus on it. To focus on that which is actually here now (present) with you will bring you into the truth of life. The tree or the flower in front of you has more power to bring you present than all the books in the world and all the teachers who have ever existed. All you have to do is bring yourself present with that which is present

At the very deepest level of Presence, there is no time and so you cannot function in the world of time. Quite literally, there is no past or future. You are simply immersed in Oneness and the moment of now. All sense of yourself as a separate individual has dissolved. All sense of yourself from the past and future has disappeared. You are in Oneness with all that is. It is impossible to know what I am speaking of other than through your own direct experience of what I am speaking of.

At this level of Presence, you cannot function as others do within the world of time. You will need at least two caretakers to care for your day to day needs and to lovingly watch over you. This seems to be the highest level of spiritual attainment. But an even greater challenge is to master the art of balance. We must awaken so fully that we are fundamentally grounded in Presence, but we can participate in the world of time, without getting lost there.

Once you awaken, there are two worlds, the world of the present moment and the past and future world of the mind. At this stage of human evolution, we must master the art of balance and flow between these two worlds. How is this accomplished? As a part of the awakening process, we must hold the right intention. Intend to be present often enough that the present moment will become the very ground and field of your existence. This means that you will have to choose to be present many times each day. When you notice that you have drifted off into the world of thought, memory and imagination, gently bring yourself back to the present moment. You do this by bringing yourself present with that which is already present. That is the key which will liberate you from the world of the mind. If you can see, hear, feel, taste, touch or smell it, it means it is actually here now in this moment with you and so you can be present with it. To be truly present with something that is actually here now will immediately bring you out of the thinking mind into a state of silent and awakened Presence. Your second intention is that when you do play within the world of the mind, which takes you into the world of time, with all its memories, imaginings, thoughts, ideas, concepts, opinions and beliefs, you will not become identified with any of it. You will not believe in any of it as the truth. The past is gone. The future will never arrive. Only this moment is the truth of life. Your third intention is to transcend judgment in your life. The energy of judgment imprisons you in separation. To transcend judgment, simply own it, acknowledge it and confess it whenever it arises, without judgment. Your fourth intention is to live as an expression of love and truth in this world, even when you are functioning within the world of time. No longer functioning as an ego in a world of separation, your expression at the personal level, within time, is now in perfect alignment with the impersonal and eternal dimension of you. In other words, you are now a personal expression of the impersonal, and you are an expression of love, truth, acceptance and compassion.

To reach this level of consciousness is a process. You will make mistakes. You will get caught in the mind, or in emotional reaction. When you notice yourself acting or reacting from within the mind and ego, simply acknowledge it and then disengage from it, without any sense of judgment of yourself. Just notice when you are in the mind and then bring yourself present. That is the only solution. There is no other way. You may need to allow the ego its expression, for you do not want there to be any hint of judgment, repression or denial. You may need to allow emotions into conscious expression for exactly the same reason. Do not even have the sense that you need to fix or improve yourself, for that is a very subtle form of judgment. Just allow it all to surface into the bright light of consciousness. Only acknowledgment, love and acceptance of everything that you have been denying, hiding and repressing will bring about the alchemy of healing and transformation.

There are a number of levels from which I can respond to your question.

The first is to say that enlightenment is the awakened state of Being. When all thoughts have stopped and you are in a state of deep inner silence, which is profoundly peaceful and still, you are in the enlightened state. You are so fully present with everything around you that separation largely dissolves and you experience Oneness. You feel the Presence of God or the Divine within you and within everything around you.

It is profoundly blissful. A deep inner knowing arises and yet you are in silence. You come to know yourself as love. Profound insights and revelations sometimes emerge out of the silence. Spontaneous healings can occur.

This awakened state is the natural state of your Being. It is the truth of who you are. It is ever present within you. It is just that most of the time, you are so involved in the world of the thinking mind and the past and future that you are largely unaware of it.

At the deepest level of enlightenment, or Presence, all separation dissolves completely. The personal dimension of you disappears. There is no sense of your self in the past or the future. There is no sense of life outside of the present moment. You have become utterly absorbed into Oneness and the mystery of existence in the moment.

However, you cannot function in the world at this level. You would need a team of caretakers to take care of you. I recommend a softer version of enlightenment --- one that allows you to function in the world in an enlightened and balanced way.

This means that you are fundamentally grounded in the present moment, but the world of time is available to you. You are in the world but not of the world. You have a sense of the past and future, but you are not identified with it in any way. You know that only this moment is the truth of life.

Enlightenment is also a process.

Each time you allow repressed feelings, thoughts and memories to emerge from the darkness of your unconscious mind into the light of awakened consciousness, you bring more light into your life and your Being. As you continue with this process of liberating yourself from the wounds and traumas of the past, you will gradually become enlightened, which simply means that there is nothing left in the darkness of the unconscious mind.

If you are carrying repressed emotions from your past, particularly from your childhood, you will need to allow these emotions right of passage through you so that they can be released. Just feel the emotions as they arise within you. Identify them, confess them and express them in a responsible way, but do not become identified with them.

Do not believe in the story that your feelings are presenting. The story is always from the past. The present moment is free of the past. Whatever it is that you are angry or hurt about is not happening now, so it would not make any sense to believe in it. It is just a memory that you are caught in at some unconscious level.

Let the feelings up. Allow them conscious expression within you. One of the keys to awakening is to come into right relationship with your feelings. Everything that arises within you is seeking unconditional love and acceptance, even your feelings and emotions.

It is only when you repress your feelings that you create an inner disharmony which eventually leads to disease.

Whenever you feel criticized, the first thing to do is determine whether you are being criticized or whether you are simply being given feedback about yourself. If it is feedback and not criticism, then you would be wise to listen carefully and respond appropriately. Is there something being shared with you that you need to hear? It is foolish to defend against feedback that might reflect areas of unconsciousness within you.

But in an unconscious world, people are often critical or judgmental. It is important that you do not take on that energy. It has nothing to do with you. If people judge or criticize you, that is a statement about them, not you. They are revealing that they are judgmental or critical. At some level, they feel judged or criticized themselves. They are still living with those energies, which most likely originate in their childhood.

If someone judges or criticizes me, I do not take it on. If they want to judge me or criticize me, they are free to do so. I fact, I feel compassion for them, for they are still caught in those limiting and painful energies.

The question for you is why do you take it on? It is your need for approval or acceptance that causes you to take on the judgments or opinions of others. If you did not need their approval or acceptance, then their judgments or criticisms would not affect you.

Therefore I suggest that you bring to consciousness all the ways that you lose yourself in others by seeking approval or acceptance, and then gently disengage from that behavior. It will lead to freedom.

However, it is very difficult to free yourself if you are still judgmental or critical of yourself or others. To completely free yourself, you will have to bring the energy of judgment to consciousness whenever it arises within you. And you must do so without judgment. Just notice it, acknowledge it, confess it and then gently disengage from it. You are simply acknowledging it and so it will gradually relax and dissolve from your interior world. And then other people’s judgments or criticisms will no longer affect you.

Finally, I would say that it is toxic to associate with people who are continually judging or criticizing you. Share with them that it is not acceptable to you. If they persist, then consider terminating your association with them. But do so out of love for yourself and with compassion for them, and not as a judgment of them.

The mind, by its very nature, is of the past. It is made up of the sum total of your past experiences, together with all of your concepts, ideas, opinions, beliefs, attitudes and judgments, which have been accumulated by you during your life. The mind/ego can only know things from the past, which it accesses through memory. It then projects that remembered knowledge from the past and all the ideas, opinions, judgments and beliefs of the past onto whatever you are experiencing in the present moment.

This distorts the reality of the present moment and renders it impossible for you to directly experience the true nature of what is present in the moment.

To function at this level of mind/ego creates a certain level of comfort and feeling of security. It is the nature of the ego to be in control and it can only be in control of a world that it already knows. The ego is afraid of the unknown.

When you are experiencing life at the level of mind, at a very subtle level, you are saying to whatever is present, "I already know you. I have already experienced you. I already have my opinions, judgements and beliefs about you. And so, I do not have to be fully present with you in this moment. I do not have to know you in this moment because I already know you from the past."

There is no innocence in that. There is no presence in that.

When you are fully present and awake in the truth of life, you are in a state of innocence. You exist in a state of not knowing. At the very deepest level, it is as if you are seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and touching everything for the very first time. Try smelling the fragrance of a flower as if you are experiencing it for the very first time. Try eating just one mouthful of your next meal in full presence. Try walking through your garden, being fully present with each flower and each tree. Try being fully present with your children or your friends even if it is just for a few moments.

You will begin to feel the difference between life lived in the mind and life lived in the joyful reality of the present moment.

I know that you cannot live in the world like this all of the time. But to spend some of your time each day in a state of innocence and presence will open you up to a heightened awareness of the sacredness of all life. This in turn will transform you. You will begin to remember who you are. You will begin to have a taste of Heaven on Earth.

Both the New age approach and the approach outlined in A Course in Miracles are true, but at different levels of consciousness.

Thoughts are creative, but for most people, thoughts and desires occur at an unconscious level. On the surface, you might want a new job or a partner to share your life with. You might pray for these things to appear in your life and yet they do not. This is because, at an unconscious level, you are harboring contradictory thoughts, beliefs and desires. For example, at an unconscious level, you might believe that you are not good enough or that you are unwanted or unloved. Or you might have decided that love hurts or that love leads to pain and separation and so you prefer to be alone. These things are in direct conflict with your conscious thoughts and desires and so life does not know how to respond to you. More than likely, your unconscious beliefs and desires will prevail.

Using the New Age approach, you bring these unconscious beliefs and desires into consciousness and replace them with positive beliefs. An example of New Age methodology is the use of affirmations and positive thinking. By being positive and very clear about what we want, it is created.

To some degree, this is true, but it is subject to a higher law, which flows from a higher level of consciousness. The law of Karma is involved here. Prior to our current incarnation, we existed at the level of soul, and one of our principal objectives in incarnating into this lifetime, is to heal and purify past Karma which is affecting the soul. We are here to learn our lessons about love, acceptance, power and compassion. We are here to awaken into love, truth and Oneness. We are here to deliver our own soul into the conscious experience of Immortality. And so, the script is written prior to our incarnating into physical form and it is intended to give us the highest impetus and opportunity to awaken and learn our lessons. The more open we are to learning our lessons, the less we have to experience pain and suffering.

This level of law, which is reflected in "A Course in Miracles" prevails over the New Age approach. In other words, it does not matter what you want. What will ultimately emerge in your life is whatever is for your highest good, and that is largely predetermined by the soul's script and the law of Karma.

There is yet another level of consciousness, which prevails over the two previous levels. As we awaken into the highest and most exalted level of consciousness, the script and pre-determinism of "A Course in Miracles" is also transcended.

Everything that occurs in your life is a part of God's plan to wake you up and bring you fully present. We are so fast asleep that sometimes God has to shake us up to wake us up. Whatever it takes! Once we are fully present, then basically, God wants us to have whatever we want, because then we are fully conscious and awakened Beings of Love. We know who we and we know Who, What and Where God is and we are awake in the truth of life.

We see that God has already created all that is, and we relax into the perfection of that. There is no need to create anything ourselves, At this level we begin to experience Heaven on Earth and our true and most perfect future unfolds through the doorway of the present moment. It is inevitable. This is a rare state of attainment at this stage of human evolution. But it is our ultimate destiny.

To be fully present in the moment puts an end to the "bullshit", at least for the moment that you are present. When you are fully present, you come out of the mind, and all questions and answers disappear. All that is left is silence and the IS-NESS of NOW. It is moment to moment.

You do not have to fully present all the time. But you must be present enough so that Silence and Presence is the very foundation of who you are and the very foundation of your life. You must be able to enter into or return to the deepest levels of Presence whenever you choose. You know that the present moment is the truth of life and that everything else is an illusion. That does not mean that you cannot play in the illusion. It is just that you no longer regard it as the truth of life.

If you find it difficult to remain present, or if you find it difficult to return to Presence, it means that you are caught in the world of the mind, and there are a number of possibilities you may have to attend to in order to free your self.

The first is that some healing of the past may be necessary, and this can include painful or traumatic experiences from childhood and some times even from past lives.

The second possibility may be that you will have to allow some very old repressed emotions to surface into conscious expression in a way that is unconditionally loving, allowing and accepting of those feelings.

The third possibility is that you will have to stop believing in your own memories, thoughts, concepts, opinions, imaginings and beliefs. They are not the truth. Only silence is the truth and only that which arises out of or exists within silence is the truth. That includes everything that is truly of this moment.

The fourth possibility is that you will have to bring consciousness to your fears, desires and attachments. Just bringing them to consciousness with the intention of not acting upon them or believing in them will release you more and more into the present moment. Even the desire for enlightenment will keep you out of the present moment.

The fifth possibility is that you may have to refine your relationship with your own ego. The ego is a powerful obstacle to being present and it will only relax and surrender and allow you to be more fully present when certain conditions are met. The ego feeds on judgment and rejection, so any judgment of it or attempt to get rid of it simply strengthens it. You will have to enter into a relationship of unconditional love and acceptance with the ego if you want to be liberated from it. This is paradoxical and a very subtle part of the awakening process.

I hope that my words do not become dead words flying out of your ears like flies. On the other hand, if enough words fly out of your ears, perhaps you will be left in Silence.

You say that the goal of each path is the same. What is the goal? If you are really clear about that, it will cast light upon which path is most suitable for you. What is it that you are seeking on the path? How will you know when you have arrived at the goal?

In some ways, it would be better for you if I stop at this point and let you meditate on this and come to your own answer.

But I will proceed.

The goal of the spiritual path is simple. It is to awaken out of the illusory world of the thinking human mind into the truth and reality of life lived in the present moment. The world of the mind is a world of the remembered past and imagined future. It is a world of illusion and yet almost every one on this planet believes this illusory world to be the truth of life. The simple truth is that there is no life outside of the present moment. It is impossible to live life outside of the present moment. We must come to terms with this simple truth.

I do not mean to imply that life at the level of mind should cease. That is not possible, nor desirable. What is possible however is that we become so awake and deeply grounded in the present moment and the awakened state of Being that we never lose our connection with the truth of life, even when we do venture into the world of the mind. In other words, we no longer believe in our thoughts, memories, ideas, beliefs and opinions as the truth. We know that only this moment is the truth and everything else is a kind of play within time.

The world of the mind has developed its own version of God. It is the ego and it is deeply committed to being in control of your life. Initially its motivation was to protect you in this world of painful illusion. But eventually, that changed into a deep commitment to protect its self, and to ensure the continuance of its dominant role in your life. The ego likes sitting on the throne of God and will not vacate the throne easily.

The ego wants to elevate itself in any way it can. It will happily set off on the spiritual path because it enjoys the feeling that is becoming more spiritual. It loves spiritual knowledge and power. It will continue on the path as long as it continues to accumulate more spiritual knowledge or power. In other words, the ego is becoming spiritualized, which is most unhelpful for one who is truly committed to full awakening.

If you happen to get too close to the truth or to a true teacher, the ego will have you out of there as soon as possible. It will have you reading other books and visiting other teachers. In other words, the ego needs you to remain the seeker. It does not want you to arrive at the goal.

And once again, what is the goal?

The goal is to be still and silent. To be awake in the present moment and know yourself as the One who is fully present. It is known in Silence. It is known as Silence. There is nothing left of you from the past or future. There are no thoughts. Just a silent Presence in a breathing body, which is fully present with that which is present.

Know this state of Presence just for a few moments and you are free. There is no more seeking. As you become more grounded and settled into the present moment, your whole life will begin to change. The Eternal dimension of existence will begin to reveal itself through the doorway of the present moment.

I speak in some detail about how to become present and remain present in the three books that I have written. I cannot repeat it here, but I do suggest that you will find them easy to read and most enlightening.

Now, to that part of your question about the true path.

Beware of paths that fill you with too much spiritual knowledge. You are just feeding your ego. Beware of teachers who elevate themselves above you. Look to their actions and their presentation and not just what they say. Some teachers say that they want no followers and yet, they are surrounded by followers.

Beware of too many practices. No practice will deliver you. Being present is immediate. It is now. Just remember to be present with that which is present and you are free, at least, in that moment. Each moment that you are fully present, you are awake. You are enlightened. Each moment that you are not present, you are not awake. It is that simple.

The Advaita Vedanta tradition is simple and very valuable. Through a process of self enquiry, you can liberate yourself from the illusory world of the mind and ego, into a state of pure consciousness. This state of pure consciousness is the "I am" Presence that I speak of in my books. It is an experience of no-thingness. It is the essence and source of all existence. It is a teaching based in non duality.

To awaken into pure consciousness is to attain liberation, but I have noticed with some of the followers of the Vedanta tradition who have attended my workshops, that there is sometimes a misunderstanding about the true nature of existence. There is a tendency to dismiss manifested form as illusory in nature. That is unhelpful, for what is the point of living in a world of illusion. We might as well leave.

God is both everything and nothing. Everything in physical form is the Body of God. It is God as everything. When I am at the deepest level of Presence, I am in Nothing-ness. I am nothing-ness. Nothingness is another word for full and silent Presence. It is another word for the "I AM" Presence of God. It is pure consciousness without form and without content.

The perfect balance between God as everything and God as nothing is expressed in a line from my third book, Bridging Heaven & Earth which simply states …. "When I am in nothing, God is in everything."

We have to be careful not to make "nothingness" yet another concept which the ego seizes hold of. It is a great way to make sure you never awaken. We are here to wake up into full Presence and behold the beauty of God's creation. Who are we to dismiss the Body of God as an illusion?

The illusion that we need to awaken from is the world of the thinking mind, which includes all our spiritual knowledge and concepts.

Even the spiritual path will ultimately prove to be an illusion.

Finally, you ask how can you focus on what is True. Just focus on what is here now. If you can see it, hear it, feel it, taste it or smell it, you can focus on it. To focus on that which is actually here now (present) with you will bring you into the truth of life. The tree or the flower in front of you has more power to bring you present than all the books in the world and all the teachers who have ever existed. All you have to do is bring yourself present with that which is present.

It appears that your life is unfolding and flowing beautifully as you deepen into Presence, and I am very happy for you.

Regarding your question, it is important to identify any limiting beliefs around money, which might still be operating unconsciously at the level of the mind. It is possible that this is the case, because you say that you came into your awakening with considerable debt.

Look at your family. What messages did they give you about money and financial abundance. How did they model the relationship with money for you? Perhaps a limitation comes from past life experience. All you can do is ask deep within for guidance and healing in this regard.

As you know, there is a natural law of abundance, but it will not flow through a doorway of belief in limitation. The more we are aware of and grateful for the abundance of this moment as it is, the more abundance flows freely into our lives.

We must take responsibility for our lives within the world of time. We must work or do whatever is necessary to provide for our needs or our family’s needs. So the question arises, how can we live within the world of time without becoming lost there? As long as we are not driven by ego desires or fears, the quality of Presence will not be lost. Just see it as play.

There are two questions which we must come to terms with. The first is who am I? This question calls us to awaken into the truth of who we are and the truth of life. Very few come as far as you have with this question. But then the second question presents itself. Now that I am awake in the present moment, how do I live in the world of time? How do I live in integrity in my relationships, my work and every other aspect of my life? 

This second question requires us to embark upon a journey of trial and error. We learn from our mistakes. If you have to go out and take a job, just do it. Do not try to hold onto Presence. That which is real cannot be lost. It is all a question of balance. The awakened state of Presence will become the foundation of life lived within the world of time. 

Do not focus on repaying debt in seeking out appropriate work. Simply find work and work for today. Be present in your work. Be Love in your work. Be excellence in your work. Everything else will take care of itself.

I find it difficult to believe that Ramana Maharshi would say that the mind has to be destroyed, but if he did make such a statement, then it is most unhelpful.

The true nature of awakened Being is utterly without judgment. It is neither for nor against anything and so to say that the mind has to be destroyed would be inconsistent with the true nature of Being.

The suggestion or implication that the ego will be annihilated or destroyed upon awakening is a common one and it is a major obstacle to awakening. The mind/ego will never allow itself to be destroyed and there is not a living human Being with the power to destroy the mind/ego, for the simple reason that the intention or attempt to destroy the ego is nothing more that ego seeking to destroy itself and this cannot happen. It is a house dividing against itself. All that happens is that the mind is strengthened. It creates an inner tension and fear and the ego becomes very resolved to make sure that this does not happen. It wants to become spiritualized, but it does not want you to truly awaken.

Ramana Maharshi had awakened to a level where there was very little mind/ego left in him. He experienced the bliss and freedom of a life without the interference and limitations of the mind. But he did not destroy his ego. It simply disappeared. It probably had more to do with his past life preparation than anything else.

Buddha did not destroy his ego. It simply surrendered.

The only way to bring the ego into its rightful place is through love and acceptance. Love is the most powerful energy in existence and ultimately it is only love and acceptance that will bring the ego to a place of surrender. When it is surrendered, it will no longer seek to keep you imprisoned within the world of the mind. It will allow you to deepen into Presence and there will come a time that you will be so deeply grounded in Presence that you will feel that your ego has disappeared. But it has not been destroyed. It has been loved and accepted into the sweetest state of surrender. In fact, the ego has no resistance to the power of love. Its nature is to fight force with force. It is designed to deal with judgment and rejection. It responds powerfully to threats against survival. Can you not see that talk of its destruction will simply call it into defensive and evasive action?

Most people do not know what it means to truly be loving and accepting of your self. It means that you allow and acknowledge as a part of you all those aspects that you have previously been denying, repressing or trying to get rid of. There can be no hint of judgment. This is not as difficult as you might imagine, because at the level of Being, you are love and acceptance. So if you awaken into Being and then allow all those aspects of yourself that you have been condemning to surface and be owned, acknowledged and expressed within the consciousness of Being, a tremendous relaxation will occur. It will allow you to deepen even further into Presence and Being.

You have quoted other statements made by Ramana Maharshi.

"Stay without thoughts and just be"

What you have shared brings up a lot of compassion within me.

We become addicted to substances like drugs and alcohol as a way to avoid the pain and isolation we are carrying within us from the past. Most of it can be traced to our childhood relationship with our parents. What kind of abuse did you endure as a child? What kind of wounds are you carrying? How much have you repressed those feelings? It is very difficult to overcome addiction and you have done well to come as far as you have with that.

Deviant sexual behavior is very similar. It is an outcome of not wanting to feel the feelings. When you repress feelings, you disconnect within yourself. It heightens the sense of separation and alienation that you are already feeling at an unconscious.

I would hazard a guess that the more you are feeling isolated in your life, the more likely it is that you will be drawn into this deviant sexual behavior.

The only way out as far as I am concerned is to go through a process where you uncover the repressed painful feelings within you.

IN THE FEELING IS THE HEALING.

It does not have to take a long time. Nor do you have to indulge in it. It is all from the past and so it is not real. The best way to heal these feelings is to allow them to surface without believing in them or getting too involved in the story associated with the feelings. Just feel, own and express the feelings in a responsible way. It is important that you don't dump your feelings on others as they surface within you.

It is also necessary to take responsibility for the isolation in your life. You are responsible for managing your life. Make sure that you have sufficient friends, work, activity and interests that you feel more connected. As the feeling of isolation dissolves, so too will the urges that take you into the deviant sexual behavior.

You might need help during this process. Find a good counselor in your local area who can be present with you and supportive of you as you allow feelings up to be experienced consciously. Do not choose a counselor who is trying to fix you or get rid of these feelings. The goal is for you and anyone with you simply to be present with the pain and the feelings as they surface into the light of consciousness.

I cannot stress enough the importance of Presence in this process. Each one of us is being called into a deeper level of Presence. (Being present)

Sometimes the pain is the alarm clock that wakes us up.

From my perspective, belief in God is the obstacle to knowing God. Belief is a function of the mind and we can only know God through direct experience. Belief is what we resort to when we do not know God through our own direct experience.

So how does one have a direct experience of God?

God is here now, but we are not! Mostly we are lost in the world of the human thinking mind. It is a world of the remembered past and the imagined future. It is a world of thought, memory, imagination, concept, opinion, idea and belief. When we are in the world of the thing mind, the one place we are not is in the world of the present moment.

God is present. God exists as the silent presence at the very heart of all things present. The present moment and all that is in the present moment is God revealed.

If we are to know God, we must bring ourselves to where God is. In other words if we are to know God, we must bring ourselves fully present. At first, the experience of being present may seem ordinary. But as you remain present, and deepen into presence, the hidden treasure is revealed. Slowly and gradually, you will encounter the living Presence of God in all things present.

The more you choose to be present, the more you will become grounded in that dimension of you which exists in this moment and no other. I am not saying that you cannot continue to function with the mind and the world of time. Of course you can. You do not have to be fully present all the time. What is most important is that you honor the present moment as the truth of life, and recognize everything else as an illusion. Sometimes it is a happy illusion. At other times, it is an unhappy and painful illusion. The unhappy times bring us the opportunity and incentive to awaken, for who will choose to awaken out of a happy dream? Very few!

The direct experience of God is essentially an experience in Silence and oneness with all things present. Everything that you can see, hear, taste and touch is the body of God and so why would you not choose to be fully present with it?

To awaken means to free your self from the limited world of the mind and become fully present.

How to accomplish this is beyond the scope of this answer. I suggest that you read my three books and if you have further questions, I would be happy to answer them. A telephone session is also very helpful in bringing it all together and entering into the fully awakened state.

Fear is a primal feeling that arises within us when our physical survival is threatened. It is a feeling that is designed to move us to "fight or flight" in order to support our survival. It has played a large part in the survival of the species.

But as we became more sophisticated and moved more and more into the mind and its world of thought and emotion, fear entered inappropriately into that world. The fight or flight response started to occur whenever we felt emotionally threatened. If someone criticizes, insults or rejects us, the ego mistakes that for a threat to our survival and we go into a flight or fight response, but that response has become disguised and distorted in so many ways that we are unaware of it. It also often occurs at an unconscious level.

Fear also comes into play around future imaginings. It is possible to create intense fear by imagining what might happen in the future. The more present you are, the less fear will arise in your life, because you are only responding to what is actually happening now.

If in the moment, your physical survival is at risk, you will not think about it. You will not become incapacitated with fear. You will simply respond with fight or flight. And it is quite rare that this situation will arise in your life.

There is another kind of fear that I have observed in people who have worked with me. When people are unwilling to feel their feelings fully, whether those feelings are of hurt, anger or rage, they disconnect from themselves and this creates a kind of fear within them. It often manifests as anxiety or panic. When they allow themselves to feel the feelings fully, the fear or anxiety disappears.

So what are you to do about fear? The obvious answer is to be more present in your life and fear will rarely arise. Also, be sure to be honest and authentic and feel your feelings fully and express your feelings responsibility and fear will not be an issue for you.

One who is awake or enlightened lives predominantly in the present moment. The present moment is always recognized as the truth of life, even when entering into the mind and functioning within the world of time.

At the very deepest level, an enlightened person does not function within the world of time. The past and future have disappeared and only the present moment is available. This does not mean that an enlightened person is always functioning at the deepest level. At other times, he or she might be functioning at a more superficial level of Presence and so the world of time becomes available.

An enlightened person lives without judgment.

An enlightened person lives without fear and desire.

An enlightened person lives in a state of acceptance.

An enlightened person lives as Love in the world.

For an enlightened person, the illusion of separation has dissolved. He or she lives with a strong sense of the Oneness of all things.

An enlightened person lives with a continuing awareness of the impersonal or Eternal dimension of existence.

An enlightened person is compassionate.

An enlightened person always acts with integrity.

It is impossible for an enlightened person to be dishonest.

One who is truly enlightened sees all others as equal and enlightened, even if they are unaware of it. This extends to animals and the world of nature. It is impossible for an enlightened person to intentionally harm another.

An enlightened person is substantially free of ego motivations and reactions.

This is not to imply that an enlightened person is somehow perfect. An enlightened person can, at times, react like any one else, and experience fear and uncertainty or feelings like hurt and anger. The difference is that the enlightened person knows that he or she is caught temporarily in the illusion of separation and takes full responsibility for whatever he or she is experiencing. The experience is owned and accepted but not acted upon as if it is the truth.

In the midst of constant change, an enlightened person knows himself/herself as the One who never changes.

Your question is a long one, and not one I can reply to with any kind of brevity. You are clearly caught in a dysfunctional relationship. This will keep you caught in the mind and the past and future, preventing you from deepening into life lived in the present moment.

This is not necessarily a bad thing. We learn and deepen from these experiences. The key is to not linger in the situation longer than it takes to learn your lessons. From your question, it seems like you see her as the problem. It seems like you are blaming her for your situation at some subtle level. This indicates that you are not taking full responsibility for yourself. You need to look very carefully at the events unfolding in your life right now. What is it within you that enables you to be hooked in this way. Take responsibility for those hooks. No one can do anything to you and no one can keep you in a situation that you do not want to be in. Only you have that kind of power over yourself.

How do you give yourself away? What do you need from her? What are you getting out of remaining with her? What are your fears?

Relationship gives us the opportunity to witness certain aspects of our personality/ego, which we would prefer to ignore. Be observant of your control patterns and your judgements. Be observant as to how present you are with her. How do you express love with her? How much compassion is in your heart? I do not mean that you should judge yourself or her in any way, but rather bring consciousness to these things.

If you have done all this, and the relationship is still not right for you, then move on immediately. But do so with love and compassion. You are not responsible for any one other than your self. If she chooses to be a victim, that is her responsibility. To be a victim is a powerful manipulation, although much of her problems would stem from her childhood or her past lives and do not have a lot to do with you. Even feeling hurt is a kind of manipulation. If she is hurting, you are supposed to alter your behavior towards her. It is a strategy learned in childhood, which was not effective then, and is still ineffective. She needs to awaken into her own power. All you can do, is allow her to be herself and express herself. Do not react. Be present with her. Be loving. Do not judge her in any way, But also do not become involved with her manipulations.

Just be present with her to the best of your ability. At the deepest level that is all we want from each other anyway. We are all suffering from the same wound. It is the feeling that no one is really present with us. We feel alone and separate. This wound originates not only in our childhood. It stems from the birth experience itself and from other realms and dimensions of our existence. It is a wound which carries over from our childhood into all the days of our lives until we awaken into that dimension of life and ourselves which exists within the present moment.

We have to heal and release the past, so that we can be more fully present. Conscious relationships are based upon the present moment. In a conscious relationship, we relate to each other in the moment and do not seek comfort from the idea that someone will be there to make us feel safe in one year or five years or for a lifetime. In truth there is only NOW!. We must come to terms with that simple fact. It will open us into a life of freedom, truth and love.

Sometimes, the quest for enlightenment is nothing more than an attempt on the part of the ego to escape aspects of itself that it judges and condemns.

With you, this seems to be the case. In your question, you state that you desperately want to be free of yourself. This implies judgment and rejection of certain aspects of your self. As long as the judgment is there, you cannot awaken. You cannot be free of yourself. It is impossible. You are who you are. It is only when you own and accept every aspect of yourself that you open the door to that deepest dimension of you which exists only in the present moment. This dimension of you is the Truth of you. It is your Being. It is the I AM of you. It is the awakened One. It is the Christ within you. It is completely without judgment and so it cannot arise if you still live with judgment in your life. God is without judgment. You must release judgment if you are to re-enter the world of God.

Make a list of everything about yourself that you want to change. Which aspects of yourself do you want to be free of. You will then have a list of all the things about yourself you must learn to love and accept unconditionally.

The only way you can do this is by owning and acknowledging that these things are a part of you. It does not mean that they are the truth of you, but they are a part of you, and need to be acknowledged.

To the extent that your spiritual practices and methodologies have in the past been motivated by a desire to escape or deny aspects of yourself, those practices and methodologies will fail to deliver you.

Ultimately, all practices will fail to deliver you into freedom. This is because it is the ego that is practicing in order to escape itself, and it will never succeed in this endeavor.

One of the great dangers on the spiritual path is that the ego becomes spiritualized. The ego loves to think of itself as spiritually evolved. It is just another way that it manages to feel important and in control. Indeed, it is usually the ego that sets you off on the spiritual path in the first place. Enlightenment is seen as the ultimate escape or the ultimate achievement

The ego will have you visiting every spiritual teacher or guru. It will have you reading every spiritual book and practicing every spiritual method or technique. But it will insist that you do not stop long enough to actually encounter the truth, and wake yourself up. The truth is found only in the present moment. When you are fully present, your ego disappears. All the spiritual goals and concepts disappear. The judgments disappear.

The ego is suddenly rendered irrelevant. It realizes that it is not the one who will become enlightened. It realizes that if you become more fully present, you will gain liberation from its limited world. It fears being annihilated or abandoned. And so it will put the brakes on. It will seek to escape. It will resort to its bag of tricks to keep you out of the present moment. It will attempt to seduce you and deceive you. And mostly, it is successful.

The solution is remarkably simple.

First deepen into Presence by choosing to be present. It requires a gentle remembering. Just bring yourself present with that which is present. I speak of this in detail in my books.

Secondly, learn to own and accept all those aspects of yourself which previously you have been denying, repressing or judging. This too is a gentle process, which becomes possible only after you have begun to experience the present moment at a deeper level.

As I have said in one of my books,

"Your gift to God is honesty. God's gift to you is Truth."

As far as I am concerned, that is a fair exchange. It is only when you own and accept and confess who you have become, that you discover the truth of who you really are.

What you have described in your question is the way of the ego.

The ego needs you to feel guilty and unworthy in order to keep you in its limited world of the past and future, where it is in control.

Guilt and blame are two of the main strategies of control. It is also the way we avoid living in true responsibility.

If I can blame someone for the way I feel or for what is happening in my life, I can avoid taking responsibility for myself. Some one else is to blame. If I can make some one feel guilty, it is easier to control them and have them assume responsibility for me. It is nothing but a strategy to control others and avoid responsibility for our selves.

It is the same with unworthiness. If you feel unworthy, you will not be in your true power and so you will be easier to control.

When you where a child, you were subtly made to feel guilty and unworthy as a way to limit and control you. It is not that your parents set out to do that. It was probably what they had learned from their parents and they were simply passing on to you what they had learned. It is passed down from generation to generation until some one protests enough to wake themselves up.

To overcome these feelings of guilt and unworthiness, you must bring them into the full light of consciousness. Every time that guilt arises, just be aware of it. Witness it. Express it. But do not believe in it. It is not the truth.

Explore your own patterns of control and the way you avoid taking full responsibility for yourself. These things can be very subtle, so you have to be very attentive and watchful.

These patterns and feelings exist only in the world of the mind. They do not exist in the truth and reality of the present moment.

It is necessary to bring yourself more fully present. This awakens you into a higher level of consciousness. It gives you sanctuary from those painful feelings of guilt and unworthiness. It opens you up to wholeness, love and compassion. It also gives you a bird's eye perspective from which you can view all those things like guilt and unworthiness, which previously you have been condemning. It creates a safe, loving and accepting environment in which guilt, blame, anger and hurt can be brought into the full light of consciousness.

In my workshops and particularly in private sessions, it is relatively easy to heal these wounds and release these limiting beliefs and feelings, which come from the past. I also speak about it at length in my books.

In your question, you speak of how your mind constantly comes up with new problems and issues. Just as you have healed one issue, it brings to the forefront a new one to disturb you in your newly found peace.

Once again this is the way of the ego. The ego's job is to make sure you do not free yourself from its world of the mind. It does not want you awake and present. As I have said in one of my books, the ego will create one thousand problems, so that it can find one thousand solutions. It is never ending.

The only way out is to enter more fully into the present moment. As you become more present, it becomes easier to see through the tricks of the ego. And then you are no longer deceived.

Do not be against the ego in any way. Just watch the way it tries to keep you in the past and future. See through it! One very good trick it uses is to have you make sacred promises to be present. Promises involve you in the future. It has won. It has deceived you. There is no need to make any promise. Not even to God. All that is required is a gentle remembering to be present with that which is present. It is a moment-to-moment choice. There is no promise. There is just a simple choice. Will you be present in this moment or do you choose to be in the world of your own mind, which is an illusory world of thought memory and imagination.

Can you see how tricky the ego is? Another one of the ego's favorite tricks is the promise of future fulfillment. What better way is there to keep us out of the present.

Another is to keep us in the past, through regret, remorse, blame or guilt. The idea that you have made an eternal mistake is an example of this.

On the other hand, we are all living in a kind of eternal error. That error is to choose to be in the world of the mind, rather that the world of the present moment, which is the world of God. We have all made that mistake. It does not mean that we cannot correct it. But the only time we can correct it is NOW.

Rather than keep yourself locked in the past through regret, which is what the ego wants, just be grateful that you have become aware of the error and that you now have the opportunity to correct it.

Choose to be present and you correct the mistake.

You cannot change the past. You can only make wise choices for the present. And the wisest choice of all is simply to be present. That choice brings with it "a peace that passeth understanding."

But the ego is not to be condemned in any way. It is just doing its job. Bring everything into the light of consciousness. Acknowledge the ego and all the feelings, thoughts and limiting patterns and beliefs, and then return to being present.

Gradually the ego will relax. And let you be.

To live an awakened life requires a deep intention on your part to be present. Every moment you have the choice. Will you choose to be present with what is actually here now, or will you choose to be in the world of the thinking mind, which is an illusory world of thought, memory and imagination. The choice is yours. It is up to you and no one else. No guru can help you. Spiritual practices will ultimately fail. The present moment is always available. It never withdraws and it never gives up on you. It constantly re-presents itself to you. In truth it never goes away. But you have to choose it.

The more you choose Presence, the more grounded you will become in the truth and reality of the present moment. The more grounded you are in the truth and reality of the present moment, the more you will experience the sacred and the divine in those ordinary moments. If your commitment is to being present, then there will come a time when being present becomes your natural state. The present moment becomes your home and you will have short excursions into the world of the mind, but you never go so far into the mind that you will get lost.

Everything that occurs within the world of the mind is of the remembered past or imagined future. None of it is happening now. If you become identified with your thoughts, memories or imaginings, then you take yourself out of the present moment. You take yourself into an illusory world and deprive yourself of the true life, which can only be lived in this moment.

If there are any wounds or limiting patterns or beliefs from the past, which are preventing you from moving into the present moment, then they will begin to surface and it is up to you to bring them into the full light of consciousness, so that healing and release can occur within an environment of unconditional love and acceptance.

If you are still having difficulty choosing to be present, then we will have to examine more closely what your ego is up to. What is it so desperately trying to hold on to? What is it afraid of? What are its tricks and strategies to keep you in its world of the past and future? All of these things will have to be brought to the light of consciousness.

A complete absence of judgment is one of the principal keys to awakening. Examine judgment in your life. It can be very subtle.

You ask where is the moment from asleep to awake. There is only one possible answer. Here!!! Now!!! Where else can you awaken but here? And when, if not now?

Remember that in truth, there is nothing but the present moment. In truth, you can never be anywhere else. The experience of being somewhere other than in the present moment is nothing more than an illusion which is created when you enter the world of the mind, and become identified with the story that is unfolding there.

In a way, it is artificial to imagine that you can awaken in any kind of permanent way. Even permanence is an illusion. There is only NOW. And so the question that constantly arises is "Am I awake and fully present NOW? And of course, that question arises and is answered in perfect silence.

Awakening is the simplest thing in the world. It feels so much better to be present rather than in the world of the mind. The present moment is the doorway to God. The present moment IS God. Why doesn't everyone choose it?

Very few people are masters of their sexual impulses and urges. The ego is often deeply involved in sexual activity and expression. Sex in today's unconscious world has very little to do with love. We are essentially using and manipulating each other with our sexuality. We are relieving ourselves from stress. We are using sexuality to avoid loneliness. We are using sex as an instrument of control and power, which is often abusive. We use sexuality as a measure of our self worth. We are often unconscious in our sexual expression. Sexuality is sometimes used to manipulate another into relationship with us.

If we are not in a state of inner balance and harmony and if we are not getting the intimacy in our lives that we need, sexual energy often becomes perverted. It begins to express itself inappropriately. I do not mean in any way to be judgmental. It is a simple observation. For example, excessive interest in pornography usually implies a certain degree of alienation in that person's life.

As we awaken, and become more present, then sexuality becomes an expression of love. The experience of being fully present with another as you make love opens both of you to a very deep sense of communion. The emphasis is no longer on orgasm and ejaculation, but rather sexuality has become an expression of love. There is such a perfect harmony in Presence that lovers relax and open up into a deep sense of Oneness. The dualities of man and woman and lover and loved are transcended as Oneness emerges from within the embrace. At the deepest level of Presence, you are not making love. You are love!!

This does not mean that if you are not fully conscious and present, you should abstain from sexual expression. Sex is just like any other aspect of your life. Take responsibility for your unconsciousness. Be aware of old wounds or limiting beliefs that play into your sexuality to prevent you from being whole and fully present. How does your parental and religious conditioning limit you? How have you been affected by social attitudes? How does the relationship between your mother and father and particularly their attitude to sexuality impact upon you?

Bring all these things to consciousness and free yourself from all limitations. You cannot bring these things to consciousness if you abstain from sex.

As you free yourself from these limiting patterns and painful; wounds from the past, then you become more present and sexuality becomes an expression of love. It is an expression of you as love.

The final part of your question is about homosexuality.

This is far more complex. Let me begin by stating that I have no judgment of homosexuals. I take no moral position, nor do I believe in sin. I do suspect, however, that some people take on a homosexual lifestyle as a result of some disturbance in their background. For example, some males might orientate themselves towards homosexuality if their mother was overly dominant and their father was weak or submissive. It leads to a kind of reversal in the context of sexual identification. However, I am sure that there are males and females whose genetic make up leads them into a homosexual orientation.

Who are we to judge them? We are far more endangered by our judgments than their sexual preferences. We all carry within us male and female hormones. These hormones don't always balance out in a perfect way. Imbalance affects sexual orientation in a way that is not yet fully understood.

The only situation I feel concerned about is when homosexual behavior arises within the context of hedonism. That is an indication that we have gone so far into unconscious pleasure seeking, that honesty, love and integrity are no longer qualities that we value. If that is the case, then consequences will flow into our lives. And we will have to live with those consequences. But that is just as true for heterosexuals as it is for homosexuals.

Your question is a complex one. I am not sure exactly how your father abused you, but I will assume it was both sexual and emotional abuse. The real key to healing these wounds from the past is to awaken into the present moment and to live more of your life in the present. The present moment is free of the past and so, as you awaken into Presence, the wounds and traumas of the past simply dissolve and disappear as if they had never occurred in the first place.

It is a two-step dance of awakening.

First learn the art of being fully present. Open up into that dimension of you which exists fully in this moment and no other. If you need guidance in this regard, then seek it out.

Once you know yourself at this higher level of consciousness, the work of healing and releasing the past can begin in earnest. From a place of Presence, you can allow the old wounds and traumas from your past to surface into the light of consciousness. This means that you allow all the feelings to surface and be experienced consciously, but within an energy of love and acceptance. You are not trying to get rid of the feelings. You are simply acknowledging that those feelings exist within you and you are allowing them expression.

In the example you have given, you would allow fury to surface and express itself fully within you. Fury simply wants to have its day. It exists within you and so it has a right to be here and express itself. I do not mean that you express it to your father, at least not in person. Go to your room. Close your eyes and imagine him sitting in front of you and let it rip. Do not hold back. You will know you are doing it perfectly if, after a while, you begin to laugh. You will see how outrageous anger and fury can be, if you do not repress them and you allow them to be expressed fully and responsibly.

To express the anger and fury would only be to get a part of the picture. Underneath anger is hurt, underneath hurt is need, underneath need is fear and underneath fear is love. It is like a pyramid of repressed feelings, which dissolves as you allow all these feelings to be expressed consciously. And it is love that is ultimately revealed. So do not be afraid of your feelings. They key is to express them fully, but responsibly and within an energy of unconditional love and acceptance.

We carry these old wounds within us because we repressed the feelings associated with these wounds when we were children. If they are repressed, they will affect you in a negative and limiting way. And so you must reverse the process of repression by allowing the feelings and memories to surface. At the same time, you remain fully present, witnessing the feelings as they arise within you.

I am not suggesting that you indulge in these feelings. They are from the past. They are simply memories stuck within you. They have no meaning other than that they are stuck within you and need to be brought to consciousness and released through the power of love and acceptance. For one who is truly on a path of awakening, there is no interest in the past other than to bring it to consciousness in a way that heals and releases it. In truth there is no life outside of this moment.

The fact that you were abused more than likely means that there is a soul lesson involved. Abuse or any other kind of suffering often provides an opportunity for deep healing at the soul level. You might need guidance to identify the soul lesson involved.

As for your current relationship with your father, there is no rule or law that you have to love your father or feel affection for him. There is no right or wrong in this regard. In the fullness of the present moment, he is not your father. He is simply another being who in the past acted abusively towards you. If you wish to confront him on this issue, then do so, I would pray for guidance. Will confronting him lead to healing and release? Will it open you into love. Will it empower you. Will it help him in any way?

Finally, I say to you that forgiveness has tremendous healing power, but you cannot artificially forgive. Forgiveness is a function of the heart and usually arises once we have experienced all the feelings of hurt, anger and rage. True forgiveness cannot arise when we are carrying these feelings unconsciously within us. Again, there is no law that says you have to forgive him, although it would be healing for your heart.

I hope my answer to your question is helpful. Please do not hesitate to contact me again if you are in need of further guidance.